Why It Takes A Village To Raise A Child

We once lived in a society that believed in the idea and practice that it takes a village to raise a child. This community recognized that it takes more than the efforts of the nuclear family to nurture healthy children. 

Parents felt supported by neighbors and extended family and sensed that their children were safe. 

The amount of support parents received from their community was enough to ease the pressure from the day-to-day responsibilities of parenthood. And mothers, especially mothers had a moment to themselves, a moment to sit down and take a breather. 

But those days seem to be mostly gone. We have abandoned the village ideology and adopted a more individualistic way of raising children. We live in a culture where people are so caught up in their own lives and struggle that they forget they are surrounded by people who can love, help, and support them.

Now, of course, the world has evolved in many ways. But this new individualistic way of raising children has been at the forefront of our society today and hasn’t been effective either. It has instead left mothers feeling stressed, overwhelmed, anxious, stretched, depressed and afraid to ask for help. 

What it means to have a village

If I told you that some days as a mom of three with a newborn baby I have to choose between brushing my teeth and using the bathroom, depending on who you are, you probably wouldn’t believe me. But that’s the reality of raising children without a village. 

And although this stage of mothering won’t last forever, there’s always going to be an area of parenting that is that much harder or requires much more effort because we lack people in our lives to help us. 

When I was a mom of two, my toddler son had a fever for a few days. One of those days, right before picking up my daughter from school, he looked a little lethargic, and I sensed that he needed to be seen by a doctor. 

With my husband working 45 minutes to an hour away, I couldn’t call him to go pick up our daughter while I took our son to the hospital. By then school would have been out. Our daughter would have been waiting a while. And the school would have labeled us irresponsible parents. 

I didn’t have anyone in our vicinity I could ask to pick up our daughter while I took our son to the hospital. What I had to do was keep a very close eye on our son while driving to pick up our daughter and take him to the hospital right after. 

Now, some might say, well, you chose to have children, it is your responsibility to raise them. And that’s how society has changed over the years. 

People in our society, especially those who aren’t parents seem to be less empathetic and have a more individualistic attitude. The idea that “those are your kids” or “you chose to have them”. 

It takes a village to raise a child origin

It takes a village to raise a child is thought to be an African proverb that means that it takes a community of people to help raise and nurture healthy children.

Having a village means being supported by those around you and working together as a unit to make sure the physical, emotional, social, and psychological well-being of our kids are being met regularly.

Why it takes a village to raise a child

Raising children without support is neither natural nor realistic. But for some reason, we have accepted what our current society holds to be true, which is raising our kids alone is the way to go. 

But raising children is hard. It is a challenging and demanding commitment. And when you aren’t surrounded by a community of people “a village” to pitch in to help lighten the load of responsibilities, raising children has proven to be much more difficult and I am speaking from experience.

Mothers are not the only ones affected by this individualistic way of raising children either, our kids are also impacted.

When children don’t have a community of people in their lives to help them grow and thrive, more pressure is put on the parents. 

And to help buffer the anxiety and decrease the pressure of raising children alone, parents occasionally turn to practices that they know are not the healthiest for their kids, such as excessive use technology. 

We periodically resort to technology to help us get a break in the absence of the village. And when we get caught up in the busyness of the day, it’s easy to lose track of the amount of time our kids are spending watching television or using other forms of technology. When that happens, their social, intellectual, and physical needs are compromised. 

Although most parents know that too much screen is not healthy for their children, they still depend on it as a source of support and it doesn’t come without guilt.

Why does it take a village to raise a child?

When grandparents, neighbors, close friends, aunts, and uncles are involved in your village, they can help make your life easier by assisting with providing resources, childcare, and other areas that allow you as a parent to be more flexible. 

On the contrary, when you don’t have anyone to help you raise your kids everything seems harder.

Whatever happened to our village?

Whatever happened to our village? 

What happened to being surrounded by people who loved and supported us in raising our children?

Are those days really gone, the days when children were raised in communities where everyone looked out for each other’s kids?

And can we revive the practice of having a village to help us raise our kids? Or are we going to be doing this parenting thing alone moving forward?

With mindful planning, it is definitely possible to build a community that will assist in helping you raise your kids even if you live far away from your extended family.

This present culture makes it hard particularly for mothers to ask for help. And when we muster up the courage to ask for help, we are shamed, judged, and looked at as if we’re doing something wrong or don’t know what we’re doing.

But the truth is that asking for help is okay. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. We just have to be receptive to it.  

The most difficult challenge for me is accepting help because of what society has taught me, which is that if I need help as a mom then I must be a failure.

This wonderful, wonderful woman from my church offered to bring me meals after I had my third child and it was really hard for me to accept the fact that someone wanted to help me.

I was so resistant to accepting her help because I was not used to it. But let me tell you, those meals were lifesavers! As a breastfeeding mom with a newborn, two other children, and a husband with a chronic illness, I needed the help so badly. But I was afraid to say yes because I feared being judged and being seen as an inadequate and incompetent mother.

Not asking for help especially when you need it can be harmful to your mental health and overall health. 

7 damaging effects of not having a village to help you raise your kids

1) Feeling overwhelmed: 

With a constant list of tasks to do for our kids, it’s easy to become overwhelmed when you have no one to help you.

2) Increased levels of stress: 

Having a community to lean on buffers the difficulties and stress of parenthood. When we raise our kids without any support we are left to fend for ourselves which increases stress levels tremendously. When stress hormones are constantly being triggered and released in your body, it’s bound to make you sick. 

3) Increased anxiety:

All the pressure that comes with being a parent can cause a lot of anxiety.

4) Mommy burnout: 

When you don’t have a support system to help you, mommy burnout is imminent. 

5) Poor physical and emotional health: 

Your mental health and physical health are affected and put on the back burner because you don’t have time to focus on those very important aspects of your well-being. By the time you’re done taking care of your kids and household, you are left with nothing else to give.

6) Feeling of isolation: 

You’re so busy moving around trying to get things done that you’ve become isolated which is counterproductive to having a village.

7) Increase risk of depression:

Maternal depression is a public health crisis because a mothers depression can affect how she cares for her child.

6 ways to build your own village

As I have mentioned, it is absolutely possible to build a village to help support you while raising your children, but you have to be willing to do the legwork. 

1) Be the change you want to see:

 It all starts with you. If you are trying to build a community of support, start by being a support to people in your church, neighborhood, and overall community. Be willing to lend a hand to someone and share your resources with someone who might need them at the moment.

2) Be transparent: 

Be honest and open about what you are trying to achieve and ask people if they are interested in wanting to be a part of your village.

3) Be vulnerable:

Be vulnerable and unafraid to ask for help. Although society looks down on people asking for help, it is important to retrain from the thinking that “it is not okay to ask for help.” Be willing to ask for help and allow people to help you. 

4) Learn to depend on others for help: 

You don’t have to be strong and supermom all the time. Learn how to depend on others to support you. People want to help you is what I have learned, you just have to be receptive to their kindness. For example, if you’re sick, ask a friend, family member, or neighbor to help you.

5) Be proactive: 

Be really good about engaging in your community and spending time with those you want to be part of the community you are trying to build. 

6) Get your kids involved: 

Your kids must participate in the process of building a village because your kids are the reason for wanting to build a village, to begin with. Let your kids know who in the community they can trust and encourage them to get to know those people and spend time with them.

In implementing these steps, I’ve been able to create and continue to grow a village that I can rely on to help me raise my children.

I hope the same for you. I hope you’re able to put into action the steps suggested above, which will slowly build you a village that will help you raise your children. 

Why It Takes A Village To Raise A Child